New information, at long last!

Sorry for the lack of posts recently, between school and work and family life, I haven’t found the time to sit down and write out what been going on in my life as of late. Alright, lets see where I last left off…

My dad is officially out of jail now. For a while he was in a rehabilitation center. My mother and I had to drop off some clothes for him and I know it was a very uncomfortable experience for her. After that, he was moved to a sort of group home. There are 10-15 other men living there, all of whom have struggled with addictions and have gone through rehab but aren’t ready to fully go back to everyday life. He has a job, is paying rent, going to A.A. meetings and everything. Overall I’m pretty happy for him. He is getting his life back on track. He understands that there isn’t a chance that he’s going to get back together with my mother. Though we all thought that after he got out of the rehab center, he would go back to live with his father who lives in another state. That doesn’t seem to be the case anymore, but I’m still happy for him. My mother is the one who is less than pleased about this situation. She doesn’t want him anywhere near the house. She wants him out of the state. Its mainly because she doesn’t want him to see the extra car parked outside of our house and know that she is seeing someone. Yes, they aren’t divorced yet but they aren’t together anymore and they haven’t been for a long time. I know she is still angry with him, of course she is. Though she still wants him to move on and get better, but far away from her.

My brother and I met with my dad last week and had breakfast with him. It was nice, if not a little awkward. As you all know I’ve never had a real close relationship with my father, so him trying to connect like this after so much time has passed is a little weird. I probably wasn’t in the best state of mind because of that. Why is he trying to get to know me now after all this time? So I retaliated like a petulant 13 year old, which, looking back, I’m not so proud of. I just kept casually mentioning this older man I’m seeing. He isn’t that much older than me, only 4 years, but for my dad who thinks I’ve only ever had one boyfriend, it was pretty big. In the spirit of being a complete bitch, I of course kept mentioning it. “Oh yeah I spent the night at his apartment last night.” “I’m only a little hungover.” “Men don’t appreciate when a woman matches her bra and panties.” Alright, I might not be proud of what I said at breakfast with my dad, but even now I think it was still pretty funny if not just seeing to complete and total shock on his face. We are planning to meet with him regularly. Now I know that the reason that my dad didn’t want to get to know me that well is both because I didn’t let him and because of his addiction. The anger that I felt for my dad when his first happened a year ago has faded. Its weird that so much can change in a year. How feelings can change and perspectives change when you start looking at different sides of the story.

I always say this, but I’ll try to update more often! I forgot how much I enjoy writing everything out. It allows me to think more deeply about what has happened and perhaps look at it in a new light. Most of my posts from here on out will be more about myself than about my dad. I’ll still keep updating on this situation, but since he is out of jail and working to improve and move on there isn’t much to report on every week.

Let me know your thoughts on everything. Was I being childish with my father at breakfast? Was it justified?

Ice Bucket Challenge

Its been a very long time friends. 

I’ve got caught up in my life. Besides the regular drama with my father, who is out and in some rehab program, I’ve been busy with school stuff, work stuff and spending time with friends and family. Now… on to the real point of this post.

 

As most of you know, this ice bucket challenge has really grown. All around people are dumping buckets of water on their heads and donating to ALS. I live in California and right now we are in a drought. This hasn’t really stopped people from doing it, but it has given plenty the excuse not the do the challenge… and some to not even donate. This is, as usual, personal for me. I was challenged the other day and yes, being the broke girl that I am I maned up and dumped ice cold water all over me and donated the far less $10 amount. (I plan on making a larger donation to this fund when I have more money, but at the moment, $10 will have to do.) I nominated some of my friends, and posted the video to my facebook feed. Well, of course I should have figured that one of them would try to opt out. In her defense, we are in a drought after all. Then when I mentioned donating $100, she played the broke college student card. Alright, here is where it gets interesting. While I was working a mere few days ago she walks into the store and starts chatting with me. She’s moving back to school soon, so we caught up and such. She told me about the $200 shoe shopping spree she went on. There it is. Broke college student? I don’t think so. I know she still has plenty of cash, more than enough to donate instead of buying more things she doesn’t really need. 

Alright now time to address all those who are saying they refuse to do the challenge because of the drought. Yes, California is in a drought. Everyone should be conserving water. Take a shorter shower, turn off your faucets when you aren’t using them, etc. But think about it. A bucket of water is equivalent to about 2.5 flushes in a standard toilet or about 30 seconds of water running in your shower. So why don’t you conserve water this way. The whole point of this challenge is to see what it feels like to have ALS, if just for a moment. That numbness, like cold water being dumped over you… but all the time. A drought is something people can fix. When we are out of this drought we’ll go back to our normal lives and barely even remember it. People will still have ALS long after the ice bucket challenge is over and long after the drought is over. That $10 could mean all the difference in the world. I doesn’t sound like much but it is. And sure, you could just donate the $10 without doing the challenge. But the whole point of dumping a bucket of ice over your head like an idiot is to feel, if just for a moment, what its like to have ALS. I’ve read a lot of posts and seen lots of videos of people who actually have ALS, and how they feel about the ice bucket challenge. Not only are they touched from the sheer amount of donations, they are touched by the people who do the challenge. Plus, it helps give people who do the challenge a better understanding on what ALS feels like, to a certain degree, while they are making their donations. 

 

Okay, rant over. I’ll try to post more… but honestly, things have been quiet on the home front. A bit has happened but I’ll get to that in another post sometime next week.

Let me know what you think about the ice bucket challenge and the drought in California in the comments!

Putting this off….

Well I’ve been kind of putting off writing this post for a week now. Everything said during my visit with my dad is still whirling around in my head. I guess I’ll start at the beginning.

I was working that day. I woke up late in the morning, so had to hurry and get ready before work. It was busy that day so I didn’t really have time to think about anything. I got home and got changed. The drive there was a bit of a long one. It took about 30 minutes and I listened and sang along to songs to clear my head. Then I got there. Now remember that I haven’t visited anyone in jail since the last time my dad was in when I was about 7. So I go in and when they call for our appointment time, I don’t have any of the paperwork and I have my purse and everything with me. One of the other ladies there told me that I can’t have my purse. I’m allowed my ID and one key. She also told me where to fill out the paper work. So I run out to my car and put my bag in and run back to fill out the paperwork. After I go through a medal detector and then its waiting time again. I sit for about another 30 minutes. It feels like the longest 30 minutes ever. I don’t have anything to distract me now. All I can do is think about what I’m going to say. I start sweating and I have to take deep breaths to calm myself down. Finally my group is called. We get up, there are only 4 of us, and walk out to the bus. Then we got off and found our rooms. In the room, its just a chair, a little desk and a phone mounted on the wall. You can google images search “phone visiting jail” if you want a picture. Except instead of it being a wall of a bunch of people, its just a single room. I walk in and see my dad. I sat down and he dialed the phone and I waited. Nothing. Basically we got the only room where the phone didn’t work. So the whole time we had to yell what we were saying through the glass. Great. We made small talk. Nothing really too deep. I talked about work and school and everything and he talked about what he has been doing. He cried a little bit, but I didn’t. I wanted to, but not with him there. He did accuse my mom of cheating on him (like he always does) but I just told him no. She doesn’t have time to cheat on him. Really. We know what time she gets off work and how long it takes her to get home. She is always either at work, home or at her dads house. So unless she has 2 minute hook ups on the way home after working a 10 hour day, she isn’t cheating. Anyways, I was just about to get to the deep stuff that I had been putting off when it was time to leave. I got back on the bus, got my stuff and drove home. But not before stopping by Mc.D’s for much needed frys and shake. I had just gotten home when the phone rang. It was my dad. I couldn’t handle it so I let the machine pick it up. But then he kept calling. No one else wanted to pick it up. So after him calling about 7 times, I picked up. This is when we talked about the deep stuff. I know… I’m a wuss. I should have told him when we were face to face. But I couldn’t bring myself to say it. No one besides me has talked to him since the middle of January. I have to be the one to tell him all the hard stuff. So I did. I told him that we don’t want him staying with us when he gets out. That mom has taken off her wedding ring and wants a divorce… for real this time. That this time we can’t look out for him. We’ve been hurt too many times before and we have to look out for ourselves now. Probation permitting, we want him to go back to live with his sister and dad. The live in another state. We can’t deal with all of this anymore. I told him that we all hope he gets better because he does deserve to be happy, but so do we and we can’t be happy with him in our lives. Yes, it was harsh. But I didn’t want to sugar coat it and have him think that he can just come back if he tries enough. His district attorney said that the earliest date he would be released would be sometime in September. So we have a ways to go. 

After the visit I was a bit of a wreck. I had to tell my mom what happened but after that I just stayed in my room and slept. I’m not sure if I should make another visiting appointment or not. At the moment I don’t think I will but that could change between now and September. We packaged up all of his stuff and are planning on sending it off to his sister and dad to hold. 

I don’t really have any other news…life has been normal for me. School, homework, work, friends, TV. We are planning our family vacation for the summer. I made the suggestion of Brazil to my mom. I think it would be amazing to visit Rio de Janeiro. My mom wants to go to Australia though. Decisions decisions. I’m excited though. Too many times my dad has ruined a vacation. I’m looking forward to just being about to relax and enjoy it. 

Until next time. I may talk about previous vacations where my dad has been a problem. I’ll keep this updated on the happenings with my dad. Let me know what you think in the comments. 

Back again…

I made an appointment to see my dad on Sunday. It was set for Wednesday at 9:00. It was a spur of the moment thing. I didn’t want to think about it too much because I knew I would freak myself out and end up not going. So today I drive over there with plenty of time to spare, only to be told that all the visits are cancelled. I’m not told why… so I drove home. Is it weird that I was disappointed? I wanted to talk to my dad. I just got a letter back from him on Wednesday…. no religious garb this time. But it still felt… fake. How the other inmates are looking up to him and he is making friends and working out. I wanted to see him in person. I wanted to have him sit there with me and make him talk about the things that need to be talked about. I made another appointment for April 1st at 8:00. I’m going to be sure that I call before leaving to make sure the visits aren’t cancelled. But now I know that for the next 3 weeks I’m going to be over thinking it. See, I liked that I only had 3 days between making the appointment and the actual appointment. I was busy with school on Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday I caught up on TV shows that cleared my mind. I didn’t think anything through of what I wanted to say to him. I knew that if I did I was going to over think it and ruin it. I know that being prepared is a good thing… but over thinking it would have caused me to cancel the visit. Hopefully I can keep myself busy for the next few weeks. My mom offered to go with me… but I really feel that this is something I have to do alone. Not only that, I need my mom to stay strong. Seeing her stay strong (in her own way) keeps me going. I know seeing my dad will crumple her resolve. She took off her wedding rings recently. I’m so proud of her. 

In other news I’ve been thinking about myself a bit. My last name. I’ve sported it for my whole life. I’ve grown used to it and such but with everything that is going on I feel like I need a change. Not just a change though… I don’t want to be associated with that side of my family. I know, I love my grandpa and everyone on that side… but none of them have really ever made good choices. Whenever they talk about when they were my age, they talk about going to parties and getting drunk and getting pregnant and such… then there is me. I stay inside most of the time. I go to school, go to work, read and watch TV. I hang out with my friends as well… but we all go bowling or see a movie or something. I’ve been to parties yes… but I find that I much prefer staying at home curled up with a book. Now the question is, what last name would I pick up? Obviously not something meaningless. I’m trying to choose between 2 last names. The last name of my grandmother on my moms side and my great grandmother (also on my moms side). Both of these women mean so much to me. They aren’t around anymore, they haven’t been since I was really little. But I still remember them. The things that they taught me… they’re the reason why my mom calls me such a strong person. They taught me to be that way. Honestly… sometimes I feel like they are the only thing holding me here. Knowing that I want to make them proud, where ever they are. I read a quote the other day that said, “Be the person you needed when you were little.” That really spoke to me. I want to be just like them. Good people who care about others, who are strong and make good choices. A person who sticks up for what they believe in. I know that which ever last name I choose… I’ll wear it with pride. 

I originally planned for this to be a relatively short post where I would talk about my failed visiting attempt. Then I remembered the letter and my thoughts on my last name I was having earlier today. I’ve decided to try and post once a week. I like keeping this blog up. Venting really helps with all the stress I’ve been dealing with. What was supposed to be a short post turned into an essay! As always give me your thoughts. Was it fate that the visits were cancelled today? What are your thoughts on changing a last name? Let me know. 

 

Stressed

So this post is bit more about myself than about my dad and such. Well, my dad is mentioned and such and I’m sure he’ll come up somewhere in this. But this is more about how this whole situation and everything else is affecting me as a person. 

So as you might know, I’m still a student. I still live with my mom since cost of living in the area is extremely high. I have a job. I don’t work that much, but when I do work I work. Its a pretty relaxed job, but I find things that need to be done and get them done. I attempt to have a social life. I’m also dealing with family things such as my dad being in jail and the house preparing to take in a new residence. My aunt is coming to live with us in a few months. Trying to find time to relax and read or watch TV and dealing with somethings from my past. 
Normally these things aren’t that big of a problem for me… when they are isolated or at least in smaller groups. But all of these stresses are pressing in on me. I’m not getting any sleep. I’m exhausted all the time. Not just physically but emotionally. I’m used to going about my day on 6 hours of sleep, but that was when my sleep was peaceful. Now I wake up and feel like I didn’t get any sleep. I find its harder to fall asleep than usual because of all the stress on my mind. Despite all the stress in my life, I need to keep calm when I’m at school, with friends, and at work. This stresses me even more. I’m feeling suffocated, like its getting harder and harder to take a breath. 
So a quick look into my past. Eighth grade and freshman year of high school was a really hard time for me. I felt isolated from my family. I was weary of my dad since he hadn’t gotten a job even after going back to school. My friendships were shaking, I had extra curricular activities that I had to be at at least 4 times a week and the stresses of school was all kind of crashing down on me. I ended up making really bad choices that I now regret. I started cutting and thought about suicide. Luckily I had an amazing guidance counselor who really helped me through all of this.
Basically I’m feeling like this is happening all over again. But instead of the slow build up like it was before… it was quick. One day I was fine. I just got hired and school was going well. Then my dad got arrested and everything got harder. I feel like everything is go go go and I just want it to stop. All this pressure is building on me, pushing me down and I just want it to stop. I’m scared. It wasn’t this bad before. I used to think about suicide but it was never serious really. Things were very hard, but it was more manageable. Now it feels like no matter what I do, nothing will get better. I know I need to do something soon. Whether its going to therapy or even going so far as checking myself into the hospital. Yes, that has been on my mind. They have suicide watches at hospitals. A few times I’ve almost gotten in my car and gone. But I’m calmed myself down. It gets harder and harder every time to calm myself down. I think I’m going to try and see someone. I need some kind of release or anything to help me through this. I don’t want to resort to what I used to do. 

Reading over this, it makes me sounds like a whiney teenager. But I haven’t ever been a whiney teenager… even when I was a teenager. Anyways, I’m going to see where this week and the next leads me. As always I will keep this updated with my life. The next post will be in a few days, It’ll be about the letter I sent to my dad. Comments are welcomed and encouraged. Let me know what you think. 

Been a while…

I know I’ve been flaky about posting recently. But sometimes life gets in the way. Not in a bad way so far though, just busy with school, work and attempts at a social life. I do have something to post about though. My father hasn’t really been in contact recently, but we got a letter a few days ago that I am just now reading. So I’m going to go ahead and read it now, then write my thought here while they are still fresh in my mind. 

Ok well, I only got through the first page so far. I’m more than a little upset. My father seems to think that after he is released, which we still don’t know when is, that we will simply let him back into our lives. Yes, he is working on making himself better and such… but that doesn’t make what happened okay. I’m afraid that my mom is just going to let him back into her life. That she is going to forget how nice it is when he isn’t here. We all get along, as much as any family can. We have more money to spend now that dad isn’t spending it all. He should have to work and prove that he’s changed before he comes back to live in this house. He also wrote about bragging about us to everyone. We aren’t his to brag about. My father doesn’t even know who I am. He doesn’t know anything about me. I don’t think he knows anything about any of us, well anything that has happened within the past year. He was unemployed and didn’t help around the house… the least thing he could do was get to know us. Alright… onto the second page. 

Well page two was just a bunch of religious stuff. I don’t understand why so many people become more religious in jail. This isn’t the first time he’s been in jail, so what I’m wondering is that all those other times he has been in jail and gotten mega religious, why didn’t he continue to be a good person? Can he only be a good person when his whole day is planned out for him, like it is in jail? 

So page three was him saying the affects of drugs on the body, it seems like he literally copied this out of a pamphlet. The back of the page was calculations on how much money we would be saving if we didn’t buy cigarettes and weed. Now, both my brother and dad smoke pot. My brother is actually medication he needs to help with a seizure condition. It does really help… surprisingly because I was a bit of a skeptic on it. But my father doesn’t need it. Then my mom, dad, and brother all smoke cigarettes. Yes I’m kind of the straight edge of the family. Yes, I’ve tried them both but hated them. Cigarettes have a weird taste and weed makes me feel.. odd. I don’t like those kinds of escapes… I know its a bit weird but I’d much rather read a book or watch TV or write as an escape. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy a nice drink every now and then. As I sit here now, I’m sipping on some nice white wine I got last week. But its a treat for me. I don’t even drink every night. I’ve seen what it does to people, and yes… I have been drunk and it is NOT fun. I hate not being in control of myself… I don’t enjoy throwing up and stumbling around and being kind of stupid. Anyways… I just feel like my father is trying to target my mom and brother because he knows that they will be easier to get though. All of these letters he doesn’t mention me once. He called earlier today while I was getting ready for work and only talked to my brother. Okay… last page. Maybe I’ll get a mention. 

Page four was once again only religious stuff. Which I’m not even going to try to rant about again. It will take far too long. 

Anyways, I’ve yet to send out my letter to my father. Its still sitting on my computer, needing to be printed out. I need to get to that. He needs to understand that for him to be welcome into this house again, he needs to prove to ME that he has changed. My mom is finally realizing that what I’ve been saying for years is true. That he ties us down. I know its harsh, but it is true. Does it make me a bad person for saying that about my own father? That I enjoy my life so much when he’s not around? 

So… I’ve got quite a few followers on this blog. I really wasn’t expecting that. Hello there. What do you think of this whole situation? What would you do if you were in my place? Let me know… I could use all the help I can get.

A Letter

So I promised to keep this updated, and so I shall. I just finished reading a letter from my father. Literally, after calming myself down for 5 minutes, I decided to do some venting on here. So without further ado, here is my vent. 

 

My father likes to believe his a religious man… but he isn’t. He’s more than a little racist, sexist and isn’t very accepting of people being different. Yes, he ‘puts up’ with then, but thats all. He preaches about wanting people to understand him and that everyone should be more accepting, but he can’t do so himself. He is one of those people that wants to fix everyone around them (in the wrong way), but won’t look to themselves to see if they need to be fixed first. The reason why I’m explaining this is because more than half of my fathers letter was bible versus. The worst part, for me at least was that he was blaming all his problems on ‘the evil inside him’. Okay, I too am a religious person. I don’t go to church every sunday like I should… but I read my bible, say my prayers, and try to be a good person. If I do something bad that I know is bad… I don’t blame something inside me. I blame myself. It was my choice to do that… so I have to face the consequences. I don’t think my father has learned anything at all in the month that he’s been in jail. He is still blaming his problems on something else. He is an adult now. He can’t blame his actions on others. Even I know this. He really needs to do some growing up before I’m ready to see him. Even if I’m not ready… I’ll have to go to keep my mother strong. I don’t know how she is going to take our visit. We haven’t scheduled another one yet… but I think we will within the next month or so. Anyways, enclosed he added some valentines day paper thing. For those of you who have never had someone you know in jail send you things, a lot of what they want the inmates to send is like the work first graders get. Well, at least in my experience. They are pretty much work sheets. This one was pink with hearts all around it and everything. My father (addressing my mother) wrote about a dream he had about her. About him flying and them being together and happy. I don’t think he understands anything. That he has put her through so much over the years. Does he really think that everything can go back to normal? That everything can be alright in only a month? I hope my mother can stay strong in her choice to stay away from him. I don’t think she’s completely on board on the idea of a divorce… but I hope I can get her there. She deserves so much more than this.

After reading the letter and all the fake promises and everything I was so angry. I went to my room and sat down and just breathed. I was shaking. I was so angry that I was actually crying. I’ve never in my life been that angry. I’m better now… but I still have the over whelming need to punch something. 

I’ll keep this updated as I go along. We haven’t heard from my father on the phone for 2 weeks I think. Overall, things have been good in my family. My brother and I tidy the house and I make dinner if my mom works late. We’re planning on going out to dinner soon. Things are…really good actually. The best they’ve been in a long, long time. 

Fate?

So as promised… a post on the visit. Well this might not be very exciting, but the visit was actually cancelled. The huge flu that has been spreading around got into the prison and they cancelled visitings for the whole week. Honestly I don’t know how I feel about this. On one side, I feel like I might not be ready to see my father yet. I might see him and completely lash out at him. Which, yes, I do have a right to do that given the circumstances. But it is not something I want to happen. Talking on the phone is one thing, talking face to face is another.. Whenever he calls I am the only on who picks up. Mostly because my mother asks me to… but even then she won’t talk to him. So on the other hand I want to get a talk face to face out of the way. I mean, I did see him on his court date. And let me tell you… court is not like it is in the TV shows. Its kind of scary and boring at the same time. My father saw us and waved and it was all very… unsettling. But what I mean is that I think a face to face talk would be good. Let it all out and tell it like it is. Then maybe I could get some retail therapy done afterwards to clear my head. But I feel like them canceling the visits was kind of a sign. Fate stepping in to tell me that I’m not quite ready to talk to my father face to face. Which I am very thankful for. I’ve had so much on my plate recently… its kind of one less thing I have to worry about. 

One big thing I hate having to stress about it people. Mainly people asking about my dad. People who don’t know what happened. We only told a select few, mainly family and a few very close friends. I had to lie to two of my friends about my father. They asked how he was and what we are doing for his birthday and all kinds of things. I had to make everything up and all I wanted to do was spill and tell them everything. They are the kind of people who would be supportive in a time like this, but my mother only wants a few people outside the family knowing about what happened. I also feel like telling my teacher. I only have one and she is very nice and understanding. Between finding out court dates and calling lawyers and everything, homework has been moved to the back burner. Not a good thing. I had to do two weeks of homework in one night because I was so exhausted all week. Every time I would get my homework out, all I would want to do was sleep or relax. I’m always on top of my homework. This isn’t… normal for me. But alas… I won’t tell my teacher. I will get good grades without the teacher giving me less work because I can do this. Right?

Anyways, my mother and I are looking into scheduling another visit. We have to check our planners and figure out what day we are both free. I’ll keep this blog up to date on what is going on. I love being able to vent on here. Very relaxing. I’ll try to update at least once a week… more if I have news and such. Hopefully I’ll be ready to talk face to face with my father by the next visit. But then again… maybe fate will step in again? One can only hope. I feel like I’ll never be ready for this visit. But I can’t run away from my problems forever, now can I?

Life Update

So its been a while since I last updated, what with the holidays and everything going on in my life right now AND going back to school I kind of put my blog on the back burner for a while. I forgot how nice and relaxing it is to just sit down and type out what I’m thinking. Very soothing. So now that the holidays are over I’m back at work and for that I’m so happy. Its really given me a nice distraction from everything at home. But between homework, going to work, visiting with friends, and trying to find relaxation time for myself.. I haven’t really spent that much time with my family. Not that I mind really. Is anyone else like that? I like spending time with my friends, don’t get me wrong… but I’d much rather spend time alone. Sure, going out to lunch and seeing movies is nice with friends… but its also things that I can do by myself as well. Not to mention I hate people who talk during movies! Especially if I’ve been waiting to see the movie and haven’t seen it yet! But really, I like people and my friends and family but being alone is more of my thing. Anyways, I’m excited for my pay check on friday! Money! I’ve been making a little list of things I REALLY need to buy. I remember I used to think that as soon as I got a job and started making money I would spend it on really useless things, but now that I’m older I find making a list of things I actually need, like clothes and saving up for my brothers birthday present, which I’m really excited about!

Even typing I try to avoid deep subjects. Well, time to go there. I’m visiting my dad on friday night with my mom. I’ve visited my dad before when he’s been where he is now… but some how this is different. I was little then, around 8 years old and and I forgave my dad. I didn’t really completely understand what was going on at the time really, so it wasn’t too hard of a task. But now that I understand everything thats going on, add to the fact that I was there while it was happening in the other room… I find that I can’t find it in myself to forgive him this time. Its sad, but I can’t let this keep dragging me down. I find myself constantly worrying if he is going to let me down again. We’ve talked on the phone and he promises to stop everything and clean up his act, but I can’t let myself believe him. He has given me no proof that he can do it. Why do I have to be the heartless one? Even my mother and my brother are warming up to him. My moms previous idea of separation and finally be rid of him is gone and she wants him to get help and she wants to help him. Does it make me heartless that I just want him gone? That tired of having to be the strong one to the people who were supposed to be the strong ones for me in my hard times? Its not just now though, no one was there for me when I needed them most in the past. I’ve had to be strong for myself. So my dependance on my family is very small. My mother says that she is jealous of my strength, but all she has to do it try and she’ll have it. She gives up far too easily. The strength that I have has been built up from years and years of having to rely on myself to make things better. Yes, I had my friends but as I’ve said, I’m the one people come to fro advice, I can’t really go to others for advice. 

Recently I told my best friend something. Reluctantly. She knew something was up all day, and finally after a lot of pushing for information, I told her. I know a lot of people would think of this as a good friend, but for some reason it bugs me. If I don’t want to say something, I don’t want to be pushed and pressured into saying it. I guess thats the thing that I don’t like about friends. I’ve never been comfortable with sharing things, personal things, about myself. I don’t like people knowing about everything that has happened to me. I know that this contradicts what I said in my first post, but SO much has happened since that first post that I can justify changing my mind. 

So I guess the key to happiness is to be happy with yourself. Yes, sometimes we aren’t happy with some things like our looks, intelligence, size, and so many other things. But I think that as long as you’re pretty overall happy about the person that you are today, how far you have come, and how many obstacles you’ve overcome… you should feel pretty good about yourself. 

I’ll update again probably on Friday or Saturday about the visit. Its sure to be interesting. My brother can’t come because of the court order, but my mom and I are going. Hopefully I’ll be able to say what I feel about the situation and maybe they both will see that its whats best for our family. 

Family Ties

So every family has its issues. It ranges from mild to severe. Its completely normal though. What family doesn’t have issues? Not even families on TV get along all the time! Its natural for us to fight and argue. Yes, even some families separate, but sometimes its for the better. That saddest part is when parents who still love each other split because its whats best for the children. Yes, being in love is a wonderful thing, but when you become a parent, you give up what matters most to you to give this child, this life that you helped create, a better life. I’ve had some things happen recently that haven’t been the most normal family occurrences. My family is more than a little dysfunctional, so much so that lets just say that the local officers know us pretty well. I try not to get my hopes up around the holiday season. Something bad happens almost every year. Nothing red and blue flashing lights kind of bad, but arguments and fighting and not getting along kind of bad. Which really is a downer when its Christmas. Anyways, this year was actually looking good. We’ve gotten all of our holiday shopping done, everyone is pitching in around the house to get ready for family coming over for dinner. Things were great. Until the bomb dropped. It was a night filled with those red and blue lights. 5 of them actually. Not fun. To glaze over what happened, arguments, fighting and even a baseball bat thrown in for good measure. No one killed, so don’t worry there. Just badly hurt, nothing a trip to the hospital and medical staples couldn’t fix. Basically. this is turning out to be one of the best Christmases ever. No offense to the party now behind bars. But my family has always gotten along better without said person. Things run smoother, there isn’t any drama besides the basics that ever family deals with. Now the folks are splitting. Don’t get me wrong, they love each other, so so much. But honestly, Its whats best. I’ve known this for over seven years and I’m amazed that its taken this long for them to realize it. Being an adult now, I wonder how my life could have been if they had realized this sooner. Would I have turned out differently? Even if I had, I like the person I am today. I have a great group of friends and I’ve turned into the person I wanted to be. Sure, I can still point out things I want to work on and fix, but overall, I’m happy where I am and where I see myself going. So sure, life could have been different if I had lived in a single parent home sooner, but would I be proud of who I grew up to be? I’m a strong person now, I’ve had to grow up faster due to whats happened in my family, but its made be strong. Its made me into the person I talked about in my first post, the kind of person people come to for advice.

So remember this holiday season, that no matter what… things happen for a reason. We may not know the reason right now, but when you are proud of the person you turned out to be, you’ll understand that the way things happened and the time at which they happened, all lead to you becoming this amazing person that you are proud to be.

Remember that all families have their problems, some worse than others but that is family. Sometimes we’re close and sometimes we aren’t, its just the way things are. Surround yourself with people that you love, whether its friends or family or cats or dogs or anything you can think of. That is what is most important during the holidays. 

Happy Christmas.